I was reading Mitt Romney’s comments today about why he lost the election. According to him it’s because President Obama gave “extraordinary financial gifts” to Hispanic voters and other demographic groups.

This isn’t a commentary on the election but it is an observation about what makes people successful. I find that people who are successful in life become successful by identifying what they did that made them succeed in a specific situation and strengthening that. And, when they fail at something, they identify why they failed and work to correct that.

The unspoken (yet obvious) key to this is that you can only fix those things that you can control. You can’t fix something that you can’t control.

For instance, if your business is failing the problem that needs to fixed isn’t the economy. You don’t have any control over the economy so the best you can do is sit around and worry about how bad things are. There is nothing that YOU can personally do to fix it. On the other hand, you can fix your company’s customer service, marketing, sales, PR, etc.

In Romney’s case, he can’t fix the situation that he is identifying as his reason for failure. Whether it is true or not, it is totally beyond him ability to influence or fix “the problem.”

The problem with this kind of “thinking” is that you  become the effect of the problem. You can’t do anything about it so you become the effect of it. You become less cause over your own life.

The reverse is true when you identify the true causes of your failure and then work to fix those. You gradually become more and more cause over your own life.

Like the moth that is attracted to the light, you are attracted to the pleasure of eating. The smells, taste, texture of the food, it can be quite nice, sometimes quite comforting. The downside is that you are putting on the pounds.

Life is composed of choices. When the choice is between taking another bite or pushing the plate away it is easy to make the choice to enjoy a few more bites.

You will have more success controlling your appetite if you make the choice you are making more important to you. Take a few minutes and envision how your life would be if you didn’t have the extra pounds. Would it change how active your are or how you relate to your family, friends, at work? Would you enjoy activities you aren’t doing now? Might you live longer? Would you be more self confidence if you knew you could make a commitment to yourself and live up to it?

Once you have envisioned your life without the overeating you now have a real choice — between the few extra bites of food at that meal and the life you envision that you could have it you were in control of your eating.

I was on a very strict diet for health reasons for a couple of years. My nutritionist told me that the key to maintaining such a strict diet over a long period was to to realize that I would cheat once in a while. The secret was to not feel guilty but to consciously decide to cheat and to really, really enjoy it. And the next day to get back onto the diet. It worked for me.

You need to connect with your purpose for dancing. The reason why you love dance. Then you need to look at other ways that your purpose can manifest.

For instance, at a very young age my daughter wanted to be a model. She modeled for several years. Then learned fashion illustration and illustrated for several companies. Currently she does freelance fashion illustration and has a line of her own purses. Her desire to show clothing in a beautiful way has manifested itself in several ways over the years.

With performers their purpose often has a lot to do with the effect they can create on an audience. Whatever your purpose for dancing is, you need to connect with it. Since being a dancer will not be an option forever, how else can you accomplish your purpose?

Something exciting that a person wants to pass on can produce that effect but since this is habitual the underlying problem is most likely that your friend doesn’t feel that she is being heard so she talks nonstop. The situation becomes perpetual – she talks nonstop because she doesn’t feel she is being heard and people tune her out because they aren’t having a ‘conversation’, they are the target of a data dump.

If you were to meet at a restaurant for lunch and she started in with her 5 minute nonstop data download, you could reach across the table, take her hand, make eye contact and tell her that you really did hear her and understood what she said. If you do that with sincerity (you really have been listening and did get what she said) your making a real connection will stop the out rushing of communication. It’s amazing to watch, almost like the person has been on autopilot and all of a sudden, has to take control of their communication again.

You can use that moment to change how the two of you communicate in the future. Let her know it’s okay to slow down and that there are things that she says that you would like a chance to respond to.

It is possible to do the same thing on the phone but it is harder. You don’t have physical contact or body language. If possible do it face to face.

It’s a matter of which comes first, following your purpose in life or making a living. You will tend to get what you focus on and work toward.

If you concentrate on making a living you will make a living. It is also quite possible that you will end up feeling empty and unsatisfied with your life and looking for a way to pursue your purpose later in life.

On the other hand, if you concentrate on determining what it is that you would love to do you should be able to figure that out. THEN you can work out how you can make a living doing what you love.

Working out where you want to go comes before deciding on the path you will take.

The key is recognizing and setting priorities but there are three areas you need to look at in order to come up with a correct answer.

First is what is important to you in life?
Basic survival is usually at the top of the list, from there it varies person to person. One person focuses on family, another on their calling in life, someone else is driven by the desire to protect the environment, etc.

Make a list of what is important to you and put it into sequence. Here are a few items to help you get started:
Food, shelter, utilities. (basic survival)
Church / Spirituality
Purpose / Calling
Family
Work
Friends
Community
Art
Transportation
Environmental Issues
Organizations / Clubs
Country

Second, there is another set of priorities that are important.
What is vital to do?
What should not be done?
What would be good to do?
What is trivial?

Third, is your Goals and Purpose in life. What are you trying to accomplish in your life? What is the destination you have set for yourself?

Some projects or activities must be pushed through to completion in spite of any and all obstacles. And then there are projects that never should have been started in the first place. By using one, two and three above it’s should be clear which is which.

Any group (company, club, family, organization, etc.) is a collection of individuals that are bound together by a common purpose. When all members of an organization are actively working to forward the same purpose that organization tends to survive well and to be an enjoyable place to work. When members of an organization are “doing their own thing”, are working against the purposes of the group or are being outright destructive, it can be a very discouraging place to work and may even fail, costing all of you your jobs.

Your ex-coworker had his own agenda which was not to anyone’s benefit, including his own. Hopefully he will learn from the experience.

Personal integrity is doing what you know is right in spite of pressure to do otherwise. It often is not easy. Doing what you knew was right for you not only benefited you but also your coworkers, the company and it’s clients.

In this type of situation I always go though an informal checklist.
First, were you clear with her? Not, “Well, uh, it really would be better if…” You want to be completely clear. “I really need you to be here at ____ to relieve me so that I can go to lunch…” Clear doesn’t mean hurtful – it just means clear.

Second, did you create an environment in which she could respond favorably? The wrong time to have such a conversation is when you are upset. Anger, frustration or irritation in your voice can create a confrontational situation. You want her to change her behavior, not assert that she is right about her misbehavior. Being calm, direct and firm are keys.

Third, did you talk TO her or did you talk WITH her? It is always more productive to talk WITH the person. By being open, and leaving any upset or attitude at home and by inviting her to communicate too, you are more likely to engage her and illicit cooperation.

You have complete CONTROL over the first two items on this list. You can’t control the third one but your actions can influence the outcome.

If her behavior doesn’t change in spite of everything, see your boss.

Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to hire someone who pays attention to the details and follows up – or would you hire someone who leaves a message and then hopes it gets to you. You can also use it as an opportunity to show that such things matter to you. “I know I left a message with your assistant yesterday but things can come up, people can sick . . . I just wanted to make sure that you knew I had uploaded my resume.”

Do your homework before the interview. Find out what you can about the store, the types of customers they are trying to attract, shoes they carry, etc. During the interview try and let him talk. Ask about the company, the job, responsibilities, opportunities, expectations. Why are they hiring now? Are they expanding? Did the last employee not do well? By getting him to talk you can gain insight into what is important to him as a manager, which will enable you to respond to his questions in a way that shows your value as a future employee.

The first time you picked up a basket ball were you shooting baskets from the free throw line and dunking the ball? Of course not. It takes practice to learn to dribble the ball, shoot, dunk, defend, etc. You start out with the easy actions and with practice you master them and move on to mastering tougher skills. Public speakers practice their speeches. Actors, musicians, and dancers rehearse. Almost any skill you learn requires practice to be able to do it well. A true professional makes what they do look easy, effortless. But that comes from much practice.You can apply this same principle to asking for a raise. Find someone that you can practice with. They are going to play the part of your boss and you ask them for a raise. Do it as many times as necessary for you to feel comfortable that you are doing it well. Once you are comfortable, have them present some objections. “Why do you want a raise?”, “Don’t you know there is a recession?”, “This isn’t a good time to talk.”, etc.

The idea is to drill it over and over – gradually practicing more and more challenging objections until you are comfortable that you can ask for a raise and respond to any objection your boss may present.

The person who is helping you practice needs to keep in mind that his purpose is to help you become more able and more comfortable asking for a raise and overcoming the objections that your boss might present. He does his by working with you on one area until you master that before going onto another area. For instance the first thing to master is being comfortable asking. The next thing would be working on a specific objection until you feel you’ve got that down, and then onto another objection and another.

This may or may not eliminate your nervousness but if you practice enough you should be able to ask for a raise in spite of being nervous.